A Pound Of Potatoes And A Broken Nose
by reddwarfaddict
Summary: Pointless rubbish. This is why you should never take the Doctor grocery shopping. Oneshot plotbunny bite attack...business as usual, then. DoctorWhump.


**A/N: **Disclaimer: I'm not sure people would appreciate me breaking his nose...

I originally thought of writing this for Martha but there's not enough people to react at him with her lol.

First of all, I was staring at David Tennant's nose the other day (As you do...it's a pretty bloody sexy nose anyway) wondering if he's ever broken it. Then I went grocery shopping with my mum. This is what happened when the two were mixed together...

* * *

Rose knew she should have never brought him along. 

Male humans couldn't shop for groceries and that was the bottom line. End of argument, finnito, terminated, over, done, dusted – and if male humans couldn't shop for groceries, what made male Time Lords any different?

She should've expected this. The Doctor had an extremely minute attention span to begin with and shopping for groceries wasn't exactly entirely eventful unless the vegetables suddenly started trying to take over the planet. But she'd said to her mum she'd do it, so that was what she was doing. The grocery shopping. And she'd dragged the Doctor with her.

That was mistake number one.

Mistake number two was definitely putting him in charge of the trolley. Trolleys were notoriously dangerous and could be extremely fast if the person had the willpower. The Doctor was a natural boy racer, which made the second mistake even more of a contributor to the aforementioned 'accident'.

Mistake number three was the actual trolley itself.

There were bars at the bottom for footholds, useful for straight aisles to balance out your weight over the trolley for maximum speed and power, and she'd seen the dodgy wheel right from the start. The Doctor himself had even said the dreaded words: _"ooo, that could cause a nasty accident"_…

Mistake number five (There were quite a lot of them…) was her lack of discipline. She expected him to adopt an impatient attitude from the start and she was not incorrect – but now she blamed herself for not making him stay by her side like a troublesome child, which was exactly what he was.

He'd opened the mega pack of Jelly Babies he'd somehow managed to swindle into the trolley halfway through the shopping trip, and had helped himself to the bottle of Coca Cola fresh out of refrigeration. He'd just finished the complementary plate of taste tester Edam cheese when he had spotted it, glowing like the pathway to Heaven before his E-Number filled self.

A totally clear aisle.

Before Rose even had a chance to stop him he was perched on the grocery filled trolley, screaming engine sounds as he revved and imaginary motor. He dropped his right foot to the floor, pushing hard forwards to gain momentum. He was off, Rose running after him screaming for him to stop but to no avail.

Her constant running with the Doctor had made her extremely agile, but not even she could keep out with the wheels of fire from the trolley as the Doctor screamed down the corridor with his eyes closed and hair rushing back, howling as he went.

Rose had seen it coming before he had, and even if the Doctor had seen it any earlier than he had he wouldn't have been able to prevent the inevitability.

There were several loud screams of distressed woman and children as the Doctor came hurtling towards an old lady carrying and empty basket, moving at the pace of a stationary object. Rose could only watch as the Doctor desperately tried to stop the trolley in time, only just about managing to stop direct impact by veering off to the side, narrowly missing a running child and smashing straight into the fish counter.

She winced as he hurtled over the trolley handlebar, flying over the counter and smashing into the pale white wall of Tesco's shopping centre headfirst.

Rose ignored the startled shrieks of blaspheme as she instantly launched into a run, dodging trolleys and throwing herself over the far counter. Amazingly he was still conscious and sitting up, although a crimson coloured substance currently seemed to be dripping menacingly into a large puddle on the floor from below a hand covering his face.

"Let me see, Doctor," Rose said gently, bending down next to him, taking her packet of tissues out of her jacket pocket and getting one out.

"I'b fine Rodes, lemme alone!" he said sounded muted, trying to swat her away as if she were an irritating fly buzzing around his head.

"Doctor look at me…"

"Rodes! Id's jubs a fled wound," he claimed, blood slowly seeping out over his hand.

"LOOK AT ME!" she suddenly screamed hysterically as though he was her son, raising her slapping hand high in the air above his wary cheek. He immediately whimpered, looking up at her with watery eyes, his hand still blood coated and covering his nose and mouth. "See? Jubs a fled wound."

She was aware of the seemingly thousands of eyes watching their every move, no one making any attempt to assist the injured lunatic.

"Doctor lift your hand…"

"No…"

"Lift it!" She took hold of his wrist and wrenched it away from his face, almost bursting into hysterics at the sight of the bent nose of the Doctor, obviously broken – but since that would probably hurt his feelings and dented his already battered pride she stifled it. There was a vicious looking cut across the bridge of his nose, and Rose winced.

She held up a tissue to his nostrils and the bridge where the blood was churning out from, forcing his head to tilt back. He was obviously reluctant.

"No, no, Doctor…just…no…stop…tilt your head back, that's it…no…hold the tissue…Doctor!"

"Id hurds!"

"Look, we'll go back to the TARDIS and get it sorted out, get up."

The Doctor could hear the voice in the loudspeaker painfully clearly as Rose helped him to unsteady feet:

_"Clean up of blood in aisle 22 please..."_

Blood was all over the Doctor, the floor, the wall, the employees, the food and Rose as she tried to manoeuvre the moaning Doctor around the counter whilst simultaneously ignoring the gathered people staring on at them as if they were an exhibit in a zoo. She was trying to stop the blood from his nose from staining the shop or inhabitants any further by cupping her hand beneath his nose, catching the blood as it churned out.

"Rodes don'd led your mum see me…"

"I think that's unavoidable Doctor…"

He whimpered aloud as they left the shop, heading for the TARDIS.

* * *

Hours later, Jackie Tyler was in hysterics. 

"Oh my God Rose," she gasped, unable to stop the laughing at the sight now presented before her. "This 'as made my day!"

The Doctor 'humphed', folding his arms and closing his eyes as he felt tears welling up in his eyes from the pain of the broken nose. He felt like and idiot and _looked _like an idiot, a giant white bandage around his face as well as a plastic shield over the offending object.

Even Rose was giggling uncontrollably. He gave her an accusing glare, and she tried in vain to stifle it.

"Sorry," she apologised, looking back up at his face before launching into giggles again. "It's just so funny!"

"So I gathered," the Doctor muttered, leaning back on the sofa. He only needed to keep it on for a few days, which he knew would be possibly the most humiliating few days of his entire nine hundred year life.

When it finally did come off, the Doctor was grinning once again. His nose was perfectly straight due to the TARDIS' help (Whom had also had a snicker at him) and was eager to leave Earth pretty much at the second he'd been free of it.

However, Jackie had a job for them first.

"You never _did _do that grocery shoppin'…"

"NO!" the Doctor yelled instantly, grabbing Rose hand and tearing off towards the front door of Jackie's flat.

And hit it – nose first.

**The End!**


End file.
